luckymeliscious

The Gift that Keeps on Giving, Unknowingly.

Conversation on the way back from Home Depot, Fathers Day, 2009.

Him:  Hey, nice see-through shorts by the way.
Me: What?  No they're not.  Nice try.
Him: Oh they're not?  Why don't you wear them to your Uncle's today and ask your mom if they are see-through.
Me: No!  er..WTF Lewis???, it's not like these are new shorts! I bought these for our HONEYMOON.
Him:  Yeah, I know.  I've been enjoying them for the last 9 years.

Letter to my new neighbor who's "in the music industry".

Dear Neighbor,

Hi there.  I know we just met this past weekend, but I gotta tell ya...I'm not sure what that was last night, or what to make of your performance.  Banging on the tailgate of your Dodge Ram pick up truck with your drumsticks for a half hour straight makes me wonder ALLOT of things about you my friend.  Allot.  

A small part of me wondered if it was drugs.  An even smaller part of me wondered if you'd suddenly been so inspired by your drive home in the suburbs that you just couldn't make it to your REAL drum set to start the set.  You know, the drum set INSIDE YOUR HOUSE THAT WE CANNOT HEAR.  A larger part of me wondered if this was actually a test.  To see how loud and how long you could go before we said something. Heh heh heh.  Silly man. That just makes me laugh.  I have a husband who loves to run his wood chipper.  A LOUD wood chipper that can be be turned on VERY early in the morning.  Now granted, it would take great leaps of faith and determination to get my husbands ass out of bed on a weekend morning. He would have to DRAG it out of bed...and it WOULD BE PAINFUL.  But he's a stubborn son of a bitch with HUGE passive aggressive issues.  So rest assured, he'd do it.  At 7 a.m. on a Saturday. 

BRING IT my friend.

Oh, and you'd best watch the neighbor on your other side.  He's not passive aggressive...he's just rich, and he throws money at everything.  Including tickets to the policeman's ball.

Welcome to the Neighborhood.

It's all about ME

1. I used to hate hotdogs.  Now, I can’t pass up a Chicagostyle hotdog from Home Depot.  They’re the best!
2. My toe nails are always painted. 
3. If I’m wearing underwear…it has to match my bra.
4. Nothing is worse to me than a visible panty line.  See the “if” in #3.
5. I think I’ve wanted to lose the same 20 pounds for the past 3 years.
6. I can be obsessive when it comes to reading a good book
7. I also have an obsessive compulsive disorder when it comes to skin care and make up.  It’s a bit sick really.
8. As I get older…my taste in music is changing…now I’m a bigger fan of bands like the Foo Fighters, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Theory of a Dead Man and STP.  I think I’m going backwards.
9. I love garlic.  As a matter of fact, I’ll eat it raw…but that doesn’t mean that I should.
10. I’m angry that Adam Lambert is gay.  Damn he’s hot!
11. I find it interesting that I come across allot of blog authors claiming to have no income and to be in poverty…and yet they keep their pc’s running at full tilt.  If I were broke, I’d trade my internet connection for some Beer and Dibs (that would pretty much cover everyone in my family as far as happiness)
12. I’ve never seen Nancy Grace…still haven’t, but she sounds like a whore.
13. I floss my teeth allot.
14. Ever since I had my son, I feel like I don’t have time for a hobby.  Readingand flossing my teeth seem to take up most of my free time.  Sometimes I do both at once.
15. I sometimes wear watches (yes sometimes 2 at once) because I think they make good accessories with certain outfits, not because I wonder what time it is.  The 2 that I wear at one time were my grandmothers.  The wind up kind.  Although I rarely bother to wind them.
16. Shopping by myself in Germany, I would buy things and use the receipts to figure out what time it was.  I don’t typically wear a watch, and few people spoke English in the small town I was in. 
17. I don’t mind that I work with construction contractors most days.  They are an interesting breed.  I enjoy them.
18. Prozac has brought me a long way.  I have had a semi large hole in my living room wall/ ceiling since February due to water damage.  Ask me how that would have flown a year ago BEFORE the Prozac.
19. I just spent a good 45 minutes on the web searching for the best drugstore cleanser and toner.  See #7.
20. It took me all week to come up with this list of freaky things about myself.  Your turn!

And there was a loud SHAZAM!

I would have said hallelujah, but I'm not very religious.

So, after whining, pouting, and generally showing GINORMOUS amounts of displeasure of having to go to the baby shower this Saturday, I had resigned myself to the fact that, F it., I'm going.  There were some silver linings to be found.  It would be a peaceful, kid free day.  I've never really been to Grand Rapids, so why not.  And, by the time we got home on Saturday evening, low and behold, it would be martini and cigarette time.  I figured it could kind turn into a peaceful, uneventful day followed by a nice, mood mellowing evening.  When out of no where, SHAZAM!  My MIL has decided NOT to go to the shower.  Let me repeat, MY MOTHER IN LAW HAS DECIDED NOT GO TO THE SHOWER. 

For those of you playing along at home, this means that I am off the hook.  I AM OFF THE HOOK!

So, that's pretty much made my week.

Other than that, I've been trying to compose the ultimate play list to run to at the gym.  I need help.  When I hear a song, I think oooh that's a good one, let's add that, but the ooohs have been few and far in between.  So far I've got:

Thunderstruck AC/DC
My First, My Last, My Everything  Barry White (don't laugh, it works)
Big Bang Baby  STP
All My Life  Foo Fighters
It Don't Hurt  Sheryl Crow
Hole Hearted  Extreme
Don't Phunk with My Heart  Black Eyed Peas
Rasputin  Boney M
Have it All  Foo Fighters
Bizarre Love Triangle New Order
Trippen on a Hole in a Paper Heart  STP
Peace Frog  The Doors
1979  Smashing Pumpkins
Given to Fly  Pearl Jam (not sure about this one...was getting desperate)
Clocks Coldplay
Rich Girl  Gwen Stefani
Womanizer Brittany Spears (don't have it, but I like the video.  Call me weird, it's ok.  I liked Toxic too)

Anyhow, I'd like to add about 10 more songs...and I'm open to ANY suggestions.  Variety is the spice of life.  Come on my little Jalapenos.  Help me out.

Pain and Tears of Boredom. They're closer than you think.

It's about 2 1/2 hours away actually...assuming I don't get lost or purposely pull into the first liquor store drive through that I come to.

Baby Shower.  Husbands "step" niece.  We say "hi" at Christmas. 
Do I really have to go...as in physically attend?

 

Help me with the proper etiquette here.  (It's so nice to have the internet to think for me, really it is.  Saves me allot of feeling guilty about not making the right decision when I can say "but the internet said!!") 

Really? I'm like that? Meh. I'm over it.

I never really realized how…particular I could be until this past Mother’s Day.  Particular can easily be translated into "strangely picky" for the purposes of this story.  For Mother’s Day, I got an umbrella.  Which is cool.  I needed an umbrella, and it’s Mother’s Day, I’m not expecting huge gifts, just coffee in bed, which I got, but not in my bed because the Noggin decided to sleep in my bed at about 3 a.m., so I got my Mother’s Day coffee in his bed, but I digress…what was I talking about?  Oh yeah...how weird I am.  Ok, back to the umbrella. 

 

It was a good umbrella, a sturdy, practical Tote umbrella; you know the foldy downy kind that can double as a tampon if needed.  

Well…I didn’t love it.  I liked it well enough, and that should have been good enough, after all, it is an UMBRELLA, it keeps the rain off you.  It's not meant to be your friend and order you shots at the bar. RAIN OFF YOU.  That's it.  That is all that should be expected.  However, apparently, and much to my surprise, I am very PARTICULAR about my umbrella’s. I expect more.  Believe me, this came as a shock to me as well.  And although I tried to hide it,  I apparently didn't do a very good job.  So, back when the Tote a Tampon ….and unbeknownst to me, the Kyoto was ordered (my husband is an excellent gift giver). 

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present,

 

THE KYOTO.

 

Now this people, is an UMBRELLA.  How an umbrella SHOULD be.  On an UN-BENDABLE, UN-FOLDABLE stick.  With color! And detail! And yes, I am raving on and on about an umbrella!!!  But I love it.  I really do.

 

I love it and now I am quite certain that I will become one of THOSE old ladies.  The type that are particular  about their umbrellas.  And probably their brand of cat food.  That is no longer a question.